End of Days
by Fiery Wordess
Summary: Ah yes, it is time for the planet of stupid laws to meet the New Claidi and her hubby.
1. The Beginning of the End

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. In fact, I live in a shoebox that I stole and my body isn't mine, at least I wish it weren't but that is the dream of the teenage girl. If I owned Claidi she would never be called Claidi-baa-baa and if I owned any of her boyfriends I wouldn't be very innocent any more.

Was that T.M.I? 

Haha, o well.

Claidi cried. She seemed to do that a lot but now she was crying because everything was stupid. Including her. Argus, rather Argul or whatever her husband was named had gotten drunk again and fallen asleep in the shower, nearly drowning. When he woke up he had a bad headache and called Claidi "stupid wench" before passing out. She couldn't take it anymore. Her entire planet followed stupid customs, believed stupid people, and did stupid things. No matter where she went they did something stupid. They sacrificed women in feather dresses, talked to sheep, turned their hair green to match mistress's dresses, rolled dice to make laws, and unhappy people still followed these dumb rules. But Claidi had a plan. She was going to the House and intended to take over and flay her former mistress, Jade Leaf. 

"Muah hahaha." She laughed silently, despite the tears rolling down her cheeks. "Soon they will all pay." _All of them._ Argul groaned and sat up.

"I'm sorry Claidi." He said, rubbing his temples. "I hope you won't hold this against me for too long, it's just I feel so cooped up in this ship… and the whiskey was just so drinkable."

"You're lucky you're so sexy." Claidi smiled seductively. "Otherwise I'd have murdered you by now." She fingered her knife thoughtfully. Slowly she had been going mad as well.

"Haha! Oh you are such a bomb." He swept Claidi into his arms and smooched her.

*Next three scenes are censored. While this romp goes on I will show you a part of Claidi's diary:

Journal,

I think I'm going mad! I'm still so pissed at Jade Leaf and Lady Ironel and that stupid Nemian boy… urgh! Must meditate… ohm…. The Hulta would tell me… OOH! THE HUTLA PISS ME OFF TOO! Ohm… I will talk to them again. Argul promised.

Journal,

Argul says he can't go back to them. 

Journal,

I am deeply pissed.

Journal,

Slowly going mad… what is that gulping noise? Oh, Argul is getting into the whiskey. Again.

Journal,

I found a knife.

Journal,

HOOBITAJOIUFAOSJUFN! URGL SPLAT! AIEEEEEEEEE!

Whoa… whoops….

*End of censored scene.*

"Argul?"

"Hmm?" Argul pulled his hair back.

"We're almost at the House."

"Oh." His face got hard. "What are you planning to do?"

"I don't know yet." Claidi lied.

"Claidi-baa-baa…."

"AIEEEE!" Claidi went into warrior mode, jumping madly around. "NO, NO!"

"Ah!" Argul backed into the wall, frightened by his grasshopper wife. "What are you doing?"

"Whoops… ohm." She closed her eyes and made soothing noises. 

"I think you've been getting into the crack." Argul said, clicking his tongue.

"No. I had the computer throw it all out after last week's episode."

"I'm still trying to forget last week's episode." Argul moaned. They had gotten high and ended up trying on each other's clothes. When they came to they were bathing in wine and their finest clothes were ruined.

Not that it mattered as they were stuck flying around in a ship for eternity. All civilizations had stupid rules down there. 

"Moan." Claidi started crying again. "Everything is so stupid."

"Yeah… let's just kill ourselves." Argul recommended sagely.

"That would be a move of brilliance on our parts, we can't do that." Claidi shook her head. "I'm going to the House and taking over."

"Ooh! That sounds like fun!" Argul's eyes lit up. "We can be all… using guerilla tactics and stuff." 

"You're still drunk, aren't you?" Claidi noticed that he was only ditzy when he was drunk.

"Yeah, just a little." 

"We're here!" The computer's voice came. 

"Land in the gardens. The guards are going to attack Argul, you need to sober up now!" 

"*hic* I'll try." Argul giggled and covered his mouth.

"I'll talk." Claidi caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror and realized she was in dire need of a shower and makeover. (A/N: I really hope she looks better in real life than on the cover because she looks funny there.) 

"Computer! Keep us above for a few minutes while I freshen up."

"Can I freshen up with you?" Argul asked.

*More censored scenes. *

I might write more later. I haven't read these books in a long time and I only remember thinking Claidi should go on a killing spree the entire time. If I'm inspired (God forbid) Daisy and Pattoo may be the only survivors. On the entire planet. 


	2. Hugs of Doom

Disclaimer: I, once again, do not own these characters and cannot be held responsible for their actions.  I only supplied them with weapons.  If you don't like violence then you're in the right place… to realize it's time to leave, that is.

Muah hahaha.

You have been warned. 

                                                                                                                        *****

"Yin, land this pile of junk."  Argul croaked at the computer.

"Sir."  It responded.  The machine shook as it descended into the center of the garden.  From the window Claidi witnessed plants blowing wildly beneath the slowly falling craft.  She grinned manically and rubbed her thumb slowly down the tip of her knife.  It hurt like hell but she almost enjoyed the pain.

"No I don't."  She said to the narrator, but continued enjoying the pain.  Then she started crying.  

"Stop that."  Argul demanded.  "Oh come on, am I really that heartless and bastardly?"  He asked the narrator.

The narrator told them to shut up and continue with their demented lives.

And they did.

The guards of the House were quite out of ammunition as they had wasted their supplies years ago on an air balloon and had been much too lazy to restock.  They pretended to know what to do as the people of the House screamed and ran away.  Claidi laughed at their fear.  Argul snorted at Claidi's sadistic behavior but regretted his snort as it sent spittle down his windpipe and sent him into a fit of coughs.  Claidi rolled her eyes and slapped him on the back.  

"Thanks."  He wheezed.

"Move it, Hulta butt."

"I'M NOT PART OF THE HULTA ANYMORE!"

"I know."  Claidi stood in front of the door as it slowly opened, revealing her to the outside world.  "Ooh, how I missed this place."

"DEAR GOD!  You did?"  Argul seemed surprised.  Claidi, who by now had realized that her favorite sex-toy was a bit of an idiot just clunked him over the head with a sledge-hammer and left him unconscious on the ship.  He'd have a headache but he might think it was a hangover from all the whiskey.

"Claidi?"  A voice squeaked.  It was Pattoo.  

"Pattoo!"  Claidi cried out, flinging her arms out to embrace her friend.  Daisy was there too and they all hugged for a long time, sending them spiraling back in time.  

That's right, back in time.  I'll bet you didn't know hugs could do that to you.  But they can.

(A/N: they need to go back in time in order for some real revenge to be had.  Watch out Jade Leaf, you stinker.  Here comes your worst nightmare.)

"Ugh."  Moaned Claidi as she lay on a bed that was incredibly familiar.  "What… what happened?"  She rubbed her eyes.

"Sh!"  Daisy quieted her friend.  "It's not time to get up and I was having a good dream… wait till I can remember it."

"Ooh, I had a good dream too.  Well, it was sort of good and sort of depressing."

"I've given up on mine, the rate you two are babbling."  Pattoo muttered.  "Tell us yours, Claidi."

"I escaped from here with a guy named Nemian, who turned out to be a total fart but that's beside the point.  I wandered around meeting people who had dumb laws like in the House but they were better, sort of.  And I got married to this wonderful man named Argul and flew a lot.  It was all very complicated.  But my name's not really Claidissa Star, no, I was switched at birth.  My mom's probably dead by now.  Wait… what?  What am I babbling about?"

"It's time to get up."  Daisy moaned.  "And you're right, that is depressing.  Disturbing too."

"Another day of Lady Jade Leaf…."

"No."  Claidi sobbed.  

"Yes."  Pattoo laughed at Claidi's desperate face.  "Green powder today, lasses."

"Not a chance in the world am I putting that stuff in my hair."

"But… you'll be beaten!"  Pattoo was nervous.

"Not today, _chura_."

"What did you call me?"  Pattoo asked.

"It's a Hulta word.  Means 'dear.'  It was part of my dream."

"Complicated."  Daisy crossed her eyes.

(A/N: if I don't get too many "AHHHHHs" then I'll continue, but I know that was a little crazy… okay, a lot crazy.  We shall see, my fickle friends.  Thank you to my one reviewer.  I enjoy you.)   


	3. You Called?

 YES!  EXAMS ARE OVER AND I CAN… um… do stuff that doesn't pertain to school.  

Anyway… here's the next part of Claidi's madness.

Again I say I do not own anything.  My father reminds me of this fact daily.  It's in the vault. 

Claidi powdered her hair, coming to a sudden and ingenious plan.  It was rare for her to think, it usually gave her a headache but this time… oh, it came together so beautifully.  She powdered her hair with the ugly powder-stuff and dressed in a dress of a similar color.  She grinned manically at Pattoo and Daisy, who were now very afraid.  They didn't know why but Claidi frightened them now.  

Very soon Claidi would frighten everyone.  Pattoo and Daisy being the least of them.

"GET YOUR LAZY BUTTS UP HERE!"  A shrill voice summoned.

"Ah!  We must hearken to the cry of Lady Jade Leaf!"  Claidi said in mock sweetness.  

"Um… if you don't feel well…."  Daisy attempted.  She was fearful for Lady Jade Leaf, who probably deserved whatever was coming to her but if Claidi was going as mad as she seemed….

"I'm perfectly fine."  Claidi said smoothly.  Pattoo wasn't convinced and neither was Daisy but they shrugged and walked down the hall to Lady Jade Leaf's room.  

"You took your time!"  The ugly prat snapped.

"It is ours to take."  Claidi laughed.  

Lady Jade Leaf gaped.

"But that is a very ugly look for you.  It doesn't matter I suppose, you are unattractive all over."

"HOW DARE YOU!"  And she attempted to slap Claidi.

Bad, bad move.

"I AM A HUMAN WEAPON!  HIIIIII-YAHHHHH!"  She flayed Lady Jade Leaf to within an inch of her life.  Claidi surveyed the damage done to her former mistress.  "I hope those black eyes don't effect you in courting Lord Purple Toad."

"HIS *gasp* NAME *gasp* IS *pant* LORD VIOLET FROG!"  And Lady Jade Leaf pounced on Claidi, suddenly possessing a kind of energy never seen in proper ladies.  Pattoo and Daisy were frightened and stood uselessly off to the side.

"HAG!"

"CRONE!"

"BIATCH!"

"FROG-FACE!"

"UGLY CLAIDI-BAA-BAA!" 

"What?"  Claidi stopped pulling Lady Jade Leaf's hair.  "How did _you know about that name?"_

"I MADE IT UP!  You're about as stupid is a baa-ing baa-er."

"They're called sheep, you nincompoop."

"Oh!  MOMMY!!"

Then she-who-must-not-be-named-because-the-author-is-too-lazy-to-look-up-the-name came into the room, looking irritably at her daughter.

"JADE!"  She lost composure.  "_What_ are you doing??"

"I was fighting with Claidi because…."  Then she pointed a finger at Claidi.  "SHE STARTED IT!"

"You're a serving girl!  How dare you raise a finger to my daughter?"

"She's a dingbat who desperately needs a lesson, speaking of which…."  Claidi quickly stood and delivered a quick punch to she-who-must-not-be-named-because-the-author-is-too-lazy-to-look-up-the-name.  Both ladies then fainted.  It was quite amusing for Claidi.

"With these powers… I COULD TAKE OVER THE HOUSE!! MUAHAHHAHA!"

"Ahh!"  Daisy backed into the wall and Pattoo smashed into a vase.

"Don't worry my furry companions."  She said reassuringly to Pattoo and Daisy.

"Furry?"  Pattoo squeaked.  "I… am really freaked out now."  

Claidi began singing a Hulta song that went like this:

                                                    Hidjj bibblooo dooogeee sma

                                                     YAKKA YAKKA WOO!

                                                    Arkdy Chura moofooo moogle

                                                      YAKKA YAKKA WOO!

                                                    Diddle diddle dumplings yoodle hey!

                                                       YAKKA YAKKA WOO!

Which literally translates into a load of nonsense but for the sake of Claidi the Hulta had made up some cock-and-bull lyrics that were in her native language.

This is what Claidi _thought_ she was singing:

                                                     I'm going to kick your butts

                                                     WATCH ME WATCH ME WOO!

                                                     My dear you will fall down

                                                     WATCH ME WATCH ME WOO!

                                                     Bet you didn't count on that hey!

                                                      WATCH ME WATCH ME WOO!

What she was _actually saying:_

                                                     A pillow nicknamed cheese

                                                     FALL DOWN FALL DOWN WOO!

                                                     Ran into a dear porpoise today on last week

                                                     FALL DOWN FALL DOWN WOO!

                                                     Ate a fresh rhino blue toe

                                                     FALL DOWN FALL DOWN WOO!

A traditional five-year-old song.  Dagger wrote it and was so humiliated that she sang the other version whenever someone made fun of her.  Then she took out a dagger and scared the crap out of them.  

So, while Claidi sang nonsense she remembered that she had a bazooka in her pocket and began to pull it out.   Yin had taught her how to pull bazookas out of her pocket whenever she needed one.  Now she was an expert and it was time to go get some serious revenge.  

                                      Five Days Later

"AHAHHAAA!"  Claidi laughed to herself as she took out the atomic bombs.  "WATCH ME!"

"No Claidi!  No!"  The Hulta cried out as one.  

"That's what you get for being STUPID IN THE THIRD BOOK!"  Claidi pushed a button.  "Oops."

                                    And the whole world exploded.

                                                     The End.                            

(A/N: Okay, I got bored and ran out of insanity juice.  I hope you had fun and didn't get too freaked.  Keep in mind that I just finished regents.  Urgh, anything but….) 


End file.
